A couple weeks ago I ran into a old friend who I hadn’t seen in 10 years or so. He asked me how I was and in the moment I didn’t have an answer other then “I’ve been doing okay” It was later on a Saturday evening and I was expecting to run into anyone and have conversation. I had been missing my sons thinking of how much different things would be if I had them.
How was I to explain the last years of my life in a quick pass by? How could I explain that life is difficult and sometimes feels heavier then I can carry?
His response was brilliant and more enlightened then I was in the moment.
He said “You still have that warm loving heart?” I responded with yea I do.
He followed up with “If you still have that then, life is good isn’t it?”
That quick interaction was exactly what I needed. It was the reminder that I have a choice. I can choose how I see the world. I can choose love or I can choose suffering. Life has been testing me for a while now and quite frankly on the inside I have been losing. I have let the negative feelings and thoughts of others weigh heavy on my mind and soul. I have been trying to get love, understanding, and compassion from people that are unwilling or uncapable of doing so. Consciously I know that no matter what I do they will not change unless they want to. Unconsciously I think that time and space will change things. Every time I go back in hopes that something has changed I quickly realize that nothing has changed and that my efforts to repair, resolve, and reconnect are only pushing them farther away. I take this personally as I know my heart is in the right place. I had this belief that love conquers all. I still do but it’s a bit different these days. Now my belief is that love conquers all on an internal level.
You cant change things that are outside of you and wisdom is to know the difference. Knowing what is yours to carry and what is not, is something that I believe we all struggle with. This is why solitude is so important. If you don’t have the time or haven’t taken the time to spend time with yourself then how can you possibly know exactly who you are? What I’ve noticed is that the more time I spend with myself the more confident I am with myself. It’s a cycle of of building trust with myself that can easily deteriorate if I don’t take the time. I allowed others to get inside my head with their thoughts of who I am. In retrospect how in the world did I believe that someone else can know me better then I do? How can someone tell me what my actions and words mean when they haven’t asked? In a healthy relationship both people are allowed to be who they are. Both people are allowed to express themselves without fear of retaliation, judgement, or abandonment. Both people come to the table willing to listen to with compassion and understanding. If you find yourself in a situation where the other person or you yourself are not communicating from our natural state of love then what’s the point? Shame, guilt, blame, power will never be productive ways of living. We are here to love and be loved. The wisdom is knowing when you or the other person has lost sight of that one universal truth.
Take a moment to yourself and really examine your thought patterns. Are you moving towards love or pushing away from it? Are you connected with the truth of who you are or have you let the outside world influence that? When we first enter this world we love unconditionally. That is who we are and that is who we can be at any moment, you don’t have to wait on anything or anyone to give you permission. It exist in you right now and has been there from the moment you were conceived. You can continue to fight, push, pull, search for more or you can take the time to connect with your true nature and realize that everything you want is already inside of you. You have the choice in every moment to see the love inside of you and everyone around you or you can continue to let fear and uncertainty cast a shadow on your mind. For me personally I’m done with fear. I choose love. I hope you will too.